You Can’t Love Them All

“People are not disposable”

the text, a friend of mine received from a guy she had been on one singular tinder date with. They had one coffee. It lasted less than an hour. They had only been messaging a week. Yet she was expected to want him. As if, after agreeing to a date, she is now contractually obliged to like him.

Everyone tells me I pick the wrong ones. That its me, I’m too picky and I need it to be exciting and that I never like the nice ones. I was set up with a guy who,on paper, was a perfect fit. Good job, same age, kind, witty and very interested in me. So I was dated him for a month or two. It wasn’t a social experiment and I wasn’t trying to waste his time. I liked a lot about him, really enjoyed chatting, the company and he made me laugh out loud. We went on fun dates. I wasn’t sure about the kissing and when it came to having sex I panicked completely and broke it off before any buttons were undone. I tried so hard to like him because I ‘should’, according to the advisers. Then I got so anxious that I am gonna be old and alone because I don’t like the ones that are supposedly good for me.

Then there was my amazing friend Fred*. Fred is tall, hunky, hilarious and best of all, gets me and doesn’t judge any of my behavior and still remained my friend despite my irrational tantrums. He knew every detail about my dating life and regularly gave tips or shouted at me for being ridiculous.

We were besties and we were there for each other through lots of shit. One drunken night we had a sleepover and the next morning we were needy and horny and did it. It was brilliant. Then we went through 2 weeks of being obsessed with each other, well, at least I know I was. I was going crazy when he didn’t immediately reply to my whatsapp, tried to meet him every day and didn’t know why.

Then we started talking about what we were doing and I totally freaked out. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him, that he doesn’t deserve a crazy one. I didn’t want to break his heart but I also didn’t know if I was 100% ready for a relationship with him or if I saw this for forever so rather than waste his time while I was making my mind up. So I ended it shittily over messages and felt sick. He tried to meet up several times but I had never had one of those conversations and they terrify me so rather than face it I ran out. We tried to be friends again but it was ruined for him and ended up me getting shouted at at my birthday party. Sorry wasn’t enough and in the end, I lost one of the coolest friends I had.

Maybe you can have like someone, have great sex with them and not want to marry them. Maybe you can love almost everything about them but still know deep down that you’re not 100% into it.

Maybe you shouldn’t date your friends.

Maybe it’s me and I’m waiting for some non existent sign that this is ‘the one’ or maybe, you can’t love them all.

To my friend who no longer wants to see me but knows this is about him, I still wear your pants. I still miss you. x

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