The New Level of Whore

I have come to a conclusion. This city is polluted with bad penis. I have been on a handful of dates since January and here’s an executive summary of how they have gone:

Mark – most complicated man I have ever met. 36 years of age, swoon worthy and cheeky good. Arrives on date 2 with flowers and 2 bottles of wine and it turns out he was actually dating one of my best friends and sending the same messages. Still regularly receiving those 2 am are you out messages yet claims to live by the Ten Commandments.

Lidl Guy – went to love at Lidl. Bagged a date with the only good looking guy. Date 2 and he believes he deserves sex because he drove the whole way from Tallaght to see me.(It’s twenty minutes journey from my house)

Dick – engage in hands on activity with fake gentleman in some sort of open agreement which results in me cancelling him because he decided to play with another girl in my coop. I mean at least choose outside my pecking zone.

IT guy – casual arrangement however so casual that in fact he thought it was OK to book into Hotel De Nadine and then leave around 8 to go out with a friend, which was probably another date.

Mr I’m so great I’m the director of three companies and live in a mansion. Turns out the mansion he claimed to own is his mom’s house and the three companies he created are in debt. After telling me my accent was ‘too Limerick’ and asking me to remove my hand from my face because he didn’t want other people in the bar to think I was disinterested in him. I left, 17 minutes after meeting him.

Mr I am just going to spend 5 hours talking to you but if you don’t want to come back for sex I’m not interested.

Mr Boner, who spent the entire date watching the grand national and when I mentioned that I am vegan said ‘that’s awkward’ then continued to watch it. Mind you, that’s after asking me if I was staring at him because I wanted him to kiss me. No, I was actually staring in disbelief at what an asshole he was.

Then there was Mr I have a girlfriend so we cant go back to mine, not that I was going to. Then he accused me of stealing his wallet in the middle of a busy bar.

My fear is that online dating has doomed us all. Why take it, or anyone you meet on any of these sites seriously when you can have a new date in literally twenty minutes. On top of that, us girls now have to compete with a new level of whore. For every smiley, we’ve got our shit together but are so much fun style photo on our profile, there are ten 22 year old slutsters with bouncy boobs, HD brows with highlighter on fleek and no intention of settling down.

My mother questioned if I am becoming lesbian.  I am getting needy, I haven’t had a man in by bed in months. I drunk messaged a Z list celeb sober after slut dropping with him in 37 on Saturday night. I am scrawling through the archived whatsapp messages to see who I blocked when I momentarily decided my standards were high again. But then I call the girls, have a whinge and take some solace in the fact that it’s not just me, get my hot on and go out to party.

 

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