15 Stages of Break Ups You Didn’t Know Existed

Well maybe you did, but I didn’t and I certainly didnt want to go through any of  them. Bear in mind that it has just been two weeks and there could be many more that I have yet to discover and delight in so stay tuned to Slate Your Date! Here’s to all you newly singletons, for what doesn’t kill you makes you emotional.

  1. Agonising sadness. This was the love of your life now you feel like your life is over and the woe is mighty and is seemingly endless.
  2. Snotasauraus Rex. You have snotted and balled so much that you may as well open a snot factory. No concealer or make up will mask that blotchy mess and co-workers will tell you you have bags under your eyes and look pale.
  3. Lonely. Like, really lonely. There’s no one else that will ever get you like he/she did so you and your ocd’s will remain misunderstood forever more and even the cats will be repulsed. animals-cat-girl-happiness-39493
  4. Fed Up. Why can’t anything go right? Why is the world so mean to you when you are a good person. Mark Darcy is a FAKE BRIGIT!
  5. Fragile. You are just about holding it together and keeping cool calm and collected and then you Justin Bieber’s sorry comes on the radio and you turn into an angry raving lunatic that makes people want to run and hide or alternatively, you randomly start crying because someone told you that your hair is nice. #Totes emosh.
  6. Free. Now that you have literally nothing to do most evenings you are like ‘oh wow let me go do loads of stuff’. What actually happens is you start eating monstrous amounts of junk and Netflix binging. It’s cold outside. pexels-photo-14303
  7. Shame. Oh look your single again, aren’t you always single, god there must be something wrong with YOU.
  8. Extremely Grateful. You always knew you had a good crew (mine was sisters, an aunt and friends) behind you but by God did they come running to pick your ass up off the ground exactly when you needed them. Your phone is constantly hopping with checking up texts and fun activities planned to distract you from the pain. They hate muppet face and list reasons why said human is shit.
  9. Ephiny. Maybe this didnt work out for a reason. Maybe it is now time to re-evaluate your whole life and change everything. You realise you have no actually hobbies and go on a mission to find one that isn’t drinking wine, but then you opt for more wine aaaaaand cocktails. pexels-photo-1
  10. Regret. This was a terrible decision. Your brain decides to make you believe that everything was 99.9% perfect and you are an idiot to let that go. Retract! RETRACT!
  11. Denial. You’re totally fine. Everything’s fine. You way prefer being single. Vibrators are better. No one needs cuddles. Holding hands is for losers. You didn’t like any of that.
  12. Hibernation. There is no point going outside because thats where you both used to go and everywhere you walk seems to have been a date spot. Best stay in and sulk then.
  13. Needy. Perhaps one text is ok. Is it weird to comment ‘WHY AREN’T YOU DYING TOO?’ under their latest Facebook post? Your phone’s frozen for the last four minute, there will probably be loads of messages there when it is fixed. Or not.
  14. Yet somehow life goes on. Oh look, you are capable of making your own plans and not consulting anyone on dinner or where you are going. There is a slight sparkle at the end of the wine glass.
  15. Vomit. At the thought of kissing anyone else ever again. Lest no one every stomp on your heart again. They are all the same. You shall never be attracted to anyone ever again and that is final.

Chat to you all again soon x

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